Maybe it is the magic of turning 29 years old this year, or maybe it is living in a city that encourages self-expression. Perhaps it is a nice cocktail of both with a splash of not giving a crap anymore, but I have recently discovered what was missing in my life.
For those who know me outside the screen, being bold seems like it should come easy to me. I am outspoken, friendly, and rarely apologetic for knowing what I want out of life. BUT, what isn’t well known (by really anyone other than my tight knit group of friends and family) is that I DO have a problem expressing myself fully. I can talk with the best of them, but buying a dress that I really want because I am afraid it will look bad on me or getting a haircut that will make “too much” of a statement is just one of the many ways I hold myself back in life.
Not sure when it started, possibly somewhere around the ever tumultuous high school years. Since I have been overweight most of my life, I think drawing attention to myself was the last thing I wanted to do (even though I was consistently the loudest person in the room). Not that I had self-confidence issues exactly, but it was a just a strange little voice that held me back from truly being myself.
I never even noticed it until I started the blog in December. It is strange how something completely unrelated can produce such an epiphany. It started when I read several blogging websites, marketing tips, and they all said the same thing: “know your brand”. I started out in the beginning of the year trying to figure out what that was (psst not as easy as you think). I tried mimicking other websites/bloggers because I knew that it worked, and that it was an aesthetic that appealed to me.
But it felt so wrong.
I was trying to be something I wasn’t. What I *thought* I was. Then I realized, I was doing it outside of the blog too, and had been for nearly a decade. I didn’t dress the exact way I wanted, I didn’t take risks with my hair, I didn’t let myself be me. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like I am a completely different person, but not living up to your full potential because you are thinking about what someone else may think?
Ludicrous. Don’t do it.
I promised myself that I was going to get back to the girl that had zero issues being herself. The girl that wore bell bottoms, platform shoes, and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. That had an unbelievable passion for VW Beetles. That lived a life drenched in color and didn’t care what anyone thought. When I was growing up, I stood out. I wanted to stand out. I wore what I wanted, I cut my hair short when every other girl’s was long. I wore a faux fur leather jacket when I was 12, and BELIEVE ME, no one else was doing that. I exuded confidence at that age, I knew what I liked, and I showed who I was. I friggin’ sparkled.
When did I allow that light to go out? I think it happens to all of us to be quite honest. Adulthood can crush you a bit, and it can happen before you even realize it.
I vowed no more. I started a little project this summer, and my goal was to be bolder. I am going to be exactly who I want to be and show it exactly how I want. I bought a dress that I had been idolizing for months but was too afraid to buy (totally out of my current comfort zone). I just recently cut my hair into a super short bob (which I have been wanting to do for years, but never had the guts). I am experimenting with my style, saying no to events that I just do not have any interest in, and learning to love myself even more.
It is a nice feeling.
My confidence has soared with this experiment, and the best discovery? The negativity I let in more often than I care to admit, is close to zero. I can genuinely say that I am the happiest I have been. And I was already a pretty damn happy person.
Who would have thought this blog would have led me to such an amazing personal journey ALREADY?
With these discoveries, it brings me right back to the blog, why everyone is here. I have some content coming out this week that will slowly introduce the new wave of the blog. I am planning a relaunch in a few months with a new format, and my new content. I am SO excited. You have no idea. I have been taking this summer to brain storm, recipe test, write, and work on the new format.
I know that it will showcase my passion for cooking and incredible ingredients even more than now and will definitely focus on writing premium content. Everyone that does me the honor by visiting my website deserves me at my very best, both personally and content wise.